Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
