I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
