My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
