Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
