It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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