Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
