Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
