I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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