just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
