I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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