I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
