Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she peed on how many people?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
