Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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