what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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