I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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