a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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