I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
