they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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