i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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