I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
its liver damage thursday
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
