and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
