He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
