maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
