my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
