she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
