i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh god it's open bar.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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