Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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