Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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