apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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