to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
