No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
