Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
this hospital has no fireball
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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