If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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