You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
