apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm always down for nudity.
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