Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
