fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
