then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
