i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
