I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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