The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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