i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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