ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
