please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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