Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
