I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
