i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
