I think I won the penis lottery.
honey bunches of taint.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
