Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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