I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
